Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Learning to let go...

Think I have to face the fact that I'm quite prone to anxiety and restlessness.. and just can't easily `let go'..

Yeah, for the past one month, I've been `gloating' that I'll soon resign and will have at least two months of R&R (maybe do a little freelance work to keep myself going and the money coming), before I step foot back into the workforce again..

But now, as I'm counting down to my last day - 15 working days to be exact - I'm already starting to feel slighty uneasy! No, I don't regret resigning. And in fact, I'm quite fortunate to be promised a job early next year - all I can say now is feature writing that covers a wide scope - but there's nothing in black and white yet..

Funny thing is, as I try to analyse the reasons of the anxiety - I found out it is not just the fear of no income, but the `fear' of missing out doing the type of work that I have been enjoying for a few years now!

True. I'm unhappy of many things in my current paper, as well as the job scope and limitations and various other woes I face. But yet, deep down, I do love many of the stuff I write and cover. I think I have inadvertently been carved into an entertainment journalist in the last three years or so (plus the earlier times when I have been contributing to the Chinese ent. scene.) In my 14 years of journalistic career, I probably have been writing on entertainment beat the most. Even when I was with news, I did a variety of stuff and not really `speciaslise' in any areas much..

Interviewing celebs and artistes, writing on movies, music albums, concerts, television, shows and the performing arts have become something I can say I know pretty well - of course not ALL areas but definitely on the Chinese beat.. Also, I have built up a wide contact with individual artistes, movie distributors, recording companies, event management, concert organisers, the performing arts groups etc.. the showbiz industry on the whole..

Here lies the dilemma. On one hand, I told myself I want to further broaden my writing scope, try something else in feature writing - lifestyle related and more serious social issues. But it seems (at least at this point), I still can't let go of what I have been doing.. and hoping that I can still touch on the arts and entertainment areas in whatever and whoever I'm writing for in the future.

This morning, I had more or less secured a contributor's job that will start probably some time in November. But it is not really entertainment/arts related. Still I am happy because of the new challenges and also the income of course. Earlier, I also spoke to the editor of another publication hoping for some freelance jobs.

Then it dawned on me that I can't be as `cool' and `carefree' as I project myself to be.

My initial idea and how I have been telling anyone who asks what I'd be doing after I leave, was that I'm going to take a break - a nice longish break until the end of the year (which is like 2 months only) and then only start work again - fulltime or freelance in January.

But guess what? I'm already planning and seeking for jobs now, even before I leave!

I have NEVER considered myself a workaholic, nor think I would be bored to death (if money is not a factor) if I don't work for a period of time...

I guess may be work to some is just a means to an end. But I've been fortunate enough that in my whole working life, my work has been mostly enjoyable and fulfilling, and actually makes my life more interesting and exciting.

Still, I know I better not crack my brains planning and thinking too much. Remembering the teaching in the Scripture telling us not to worry about tomorrow. And like what I wrote in my previous post, there is a time for everything - and only time will time.

Just hope I can walk the talk!


Deryk said...

I will pray for you

jesscet said...

deryk: thanks :)