Thank You For the Memories.. and Laughter!

I just returned from a wonderful long weekend at Port Dickson - from an occasion that can be considered `historic'

It's the first alumni retreat of the College and Career Fellowship (fondly known as CCF) of my church - the peer group I've joined for close to 15 years!

In the mid to late 90s, a group of swinging youngsters - then in their 20s and early 30s - not only came together on Friday night for Bible Studies but had built up deep friendship and fellowship between them. At those `hay years' of CCF, there were so many activities going on - from putting up evangelistic events like camps and variety shows to outstation trips, casual outings and gatherings.

Fast forward one-and-a-half decade on or so..

Many of the CCFers of those days had got married and started their family. So naturally, they had left our peer group and either set up or joined cell groups that are home-based. But most of them had never lost touch with their old friends, in fact, most of them are still in the same cell groups. And then there are also a fraction of us - the singles - who are still with CCF among the younger generation..

I know it's unfair to compare but the peer group today is unalike that of yesteryears'.. not only the numbers have depleted, but somehow it's not as close knit nor united, and besides the clock-work Friday meeting for Bible study, the social events of any kind are few and far in between.. In fact, we all who are still there have to face the fact that it's underdoing a crisis.. and we just have to pray for wisdom and ask God for wisdom..

But back to the retreat..

The idea of a reunion/alumni retreat had been suggested since early last year but no one cam out to organise it, until our dear former `first lady' and welfare coordinator Koots decided to spearhead this to reality. A few more people came on board to take various tasks and in two months or so, this alumni retreat was happening!

It was held at the Golden Sand Baptist Assembly - the familiar camp site of most of our church camps. Most of us went without any expectation.. but I dare to say each and everyone was truly blessed and happy to have gone!

We were honoured to have our former pastor Soo Inn, who also played apart in the formation of CCF in the early 1990s, as the speaker. And indeed what a great and charismatic speaker he is. He just recently turned 54.

It was a really fun, wonderful and unforgettable weekend. In just 48-hours or so, we did so much! The theme of the retreat was Abiding in the Vine and there were three sermon sessions, followed by group sharing. They were all very relevant and practical topics - trusting God in tough times, mariage and singleness and about work. Although many of us had heard these topics before but it was a fresh and timely reminder and there were new things I took home.

Yesterday afternoon was dedicated to personal sharing. So many came forward to attest of how CCF had became an intergral part of their spiritual life and many talked about the precious friendship formed here and how their life had been changed.

All of the sharing was interesting, encouraging and yes, nostalgic. Some of them were so funny (yes, we have a number of really humorous characters around) while a few were truly moving and caused me to have tears welded in my eyes.

The schedule was rather relaxing, understandably so as most of us are no longer young.. and also many parents brought their young kids. There were 25 kids in our midst! Our smart organiser even `imported' an experienced Sunday school teacher couple to help give the kids their own program during the talks.

The highlight of the retreat must be the fun variety show last night. True to the spirit of CCF where we had put up so many skits and shows in the past in our evangelism programs, last night's `show' was a blast!!

You know what, I bet I laughed more and harder last night than I did in a year!!

First we had the return of the Pantai Boys - and I was even `planted' to go for the audition but of course, I'm not a guy thus `lost'. But gosh, my `competitor' was really a riot with his dance that combined break-dancing and strip tease! I laughed till I could not even dance anymore.. Today, remaining members of the Pantai Boys, who are now much older men, were still in their elements and gave us a string of songs.

And then we re-staged a skit that CCF did in 1996 - which was totally unrehearsed. Somehow I also got roped in to play a small role. Basically it was acting out the creation story in Genesis 1&2. It was quite amazing that the main cast of were all there to re-enact their roles! We got to see the original version too on video but I think last night's version was even better - and funnier too!!

Finally, there was the award-presenation - of course it was just for a laugh. Imagine award titles like the `Best Nip and Tuck' , `The Drama Queen Award', `The Rojak Mixed Up' and many other long and hilarious titles!

But the night did not end there. A camper, also a keen party host, created his version of a game - ACTS - combining Articulate with Charades, Trivial and Serenade. Well, it became the battle of the sexes and finally the fairer sex won by two points! It was really a fun and quite challenging game indeed.

It was really great to see the former CCFers who are now dads and moms still so full of vigour and energy.. and after so many years, the bond between all of us are still strong. I didn't manage to talk to everyone but at least I caught up with a few especially my roommate Jenny who has immigrated to Australia for many years.

But like what Koots said, we did not come to this retreat for a feel-good time and to reminisce about the good old days.. rather, it is meant to encourage and spur us on to continue to walk with the Lord and serve Him and others which ever phase of life we're in.

Indeed, personally I have benefitted from the talks and encouraged tremendously by the sharings. Ithank God that I'm part of a family whereby I've grown in the Word, as a person, and also having good friends whom I can count on.

So, thanks Koots and all those who have put in much effort to make this retreat a reality. And thanks CCF for the fond memories!

R.I.P. Ah Nei (1918-2009)

My grandma or Ah Nei in our Hakka dialect finally left us at 3:30pm this afternoon. She was 91.

Ah Nei has been hanging on by a life's thread since she was admitted to I.C.U. early Sunday morning. She was having much difficulties to breathe.. Doctor said nothing much can be done - she was having pneumonia - her lungs were filled with fluid; she has very high diabetic level, her kidney has failed and her heart is weak.

But she was a fighter and did not let go easily..

Her condition remained critical - in fact, her feet and hands were cold and swollen and at one time, her big toe nails had turned black.. But then she sorta surprised us by hanging on and even appeared to have improved slightly over the next few days..

She managed to open her eyes although she could not see.. but the killer that made her suffer was the phlegm in her lungs and throat. It was really pitiful to see how she struggled to breath while drowning in phlegm.. and the physiotherapist had to use tube to suck out the phlegm which is a painful procedure..

The family members had been hovering in her hospital bedroom (we requested her to be transferred to normal room since nothing much can be done). Aunts and uncles and cousins from Singapore came. Even my sis and brother-in-law came back for two days from Hong Kong. Wind let out and about a dozen of our relatives came to see her too.. She has so many visitors in the course of the four days.. Indeed she's well loved.

Ah Nei is your typical strong and determined Hakka woman. She has had a hard life in her younger days but her health had been good. She was still fit in her late 70s. She went traveling with us and climbed stairs and got wet in the rain in Hong Kong.

The turning point came in 1998, when she had blockage in her heart vessels and the doctor suggested she went for angioplasty. She was 80. We had doubts, but the doctor was so confident.. However, it wasn't successful. During the procedure, she suffered a mild stroke, which affected the left side of her body.

Ah Nei's physical condition took a big set-back, and since then, gradually deteriorated over the years.. First she was walking with a walking stick, next she was on wheelchair.. and then in the last two years, after she suffered a fall and another stroke, she became bedridden..

One year ago, on the third of CNY, Ah Nei was warded due to pneumonia.. which is currently her killing weapon. She pulled through but since then, she was put on tube feeding, and her body became even weaker by day. She hardly talked anymore, the most was in isolated words and very short sentences.

And just a week before CNY this year, Ah Nei had breathing difficulty again and was warded for three days. It was serious at first but she became stable.. only that we didn't realise she had suffered another stroke. When she came back, her body began to give way totally... she never uttered another word and her eye-sight also failed completely.

This time, she was hospitalised again and it was a trip of no return..

I regretted of not being around her when she breathed her last. I was planning to go to hospital later in the afternoon as I wanted to meet a deadline. According to uncle who was by her bedside, Ah Nei went very peacefully. She just drew a long breath and gave up her spirit..

I was still fighting back tears when I drove to the hospital but when I saw her cold still body lying on the bed, I could not hold back anymore. Afterall, this is the only grandma that I ever knew, who had been living with us since I was born (except for the few years when she moved out with grandpa).

In the last few years I have witnessed her condition deteriorated and till such an extend that we know it's better for her to be relief. She is finally not suffering anymore.. But now that she's finally gone, there is this emptiness around.

I have just chosen an outfit for Ah Nei. Her body will be placed at the Xiao En Centre where relatives and friends would come and pay their respects.. on Sunday morning, she will be cremated and laid to rest.

Rest in peace, Ah Nei. We will always love you and miss you...

Here are some photos from her better days..

a photo of Ah Nei at her bed taken about three years ago

Ah Nei with children and grandchildren on her birthday in 2005

Ah Nei's birthday celebration in 2006

Ah Nei's 90th birthday celebration outside in Septemer 2007. Last year, her last birthday was not celebrated due to her ailing condition

Ever faithful Wati who has been taking care of Ah Nei for the last 4 years..

Saying goodbye, especially a permanent one, is never easy..

Farewell, my good old RAV4 who has served me well for 8 years and 8 months! :(

Today, as in this afternoon, I will be driving her (I like to think it's female) to the car showroom and part with her forever. She was sold on Monday - a trade in for a new car..

Yes, I'm getting a new car. It's already booked and I'm quite ecstatic as it's like a mini dream car come true. BUT at the same time, I feel a tinge of sadness.. no, actually more than a tinge.. to part with my cute little SUV which has been my faithful companion for so long.

The car we bought re-con from Japan in September 1999, was something truly special to me.. and in the years that I've been using her, she has received countless compliments for her `cuteness'.

I know I hadn't been treating her too well.. especially last year where I caused her quite bad injuries - not once, but twice! As documented here, and here in this blog. Because of the first crash, she underwent some cosmetic change. She used to have a handsome kangaroo bar and spot-lights in front (hard to dig old pix..)

Really I was not desperate to get rid of her even though she's pretty old now (1996 model) but it's for practical reason. In the last few months, the poor car had been having permanent illnesses of sort.. I have sent her to workshop and for servicing countless times.. but some teething problems persisted. Yes, she could never be restored to her former glory.. though her exterior is still well maintained as you could see from the pix.

We've been shopping for a new car for a while now and after test driving a few, I've found the one! So, there is no longer any reasons to keep her. I can't afford having two cars!

I remember parting with my first car - a Mazda 323 (Familiar) which I used since I started work in late 1991. That time somehow I never felt any sadness, cos the joy of owning a more superior SUV was just overwhelming. Or maybe I never really loved the Mazda that much..

Now, I also of course love my new car (which identity i shall keep it a suspense first) I will only be getting it after I come back from my holiday next week.. or perhaps even later. But since I have grown so attached to my dear RAV4 in these 8 years and 8 months, hence this post to commemorate the farewell..

Bye-bye, my dear car.. I hope you find a nice new owner who appreciates you as much as I did. So sorry for causing you accidents.. you know I didn't mean it.

p.s. gosh, it's one thing talking to my dogs but now I'm talking to a car? :p

5 Years since Leslie left

Leslie Cheung Kwok-Wing (1956-2003)



How time flies! It has been five years since April Fool's Day has been redefined. Well, at least for the fans of the late Leslie Cheung.

On April 1, 2003, the news of Leslie plunging to his death from a Hong Kong hotel startled the Chinese entertainment world. The reason of his sudden suicide has also been highly speculated. After all he seemed to have everything going for him.. good looks, great talents and a high-flying career in the show biz.. no doubt he was one of the most popular artistes HK has ever produced.

I remembered five years ago today, I was having dinner at Hartamas with HL when my mom called and said that my sister from HK told her that Leslie had died. I couldn't believe it, although it was unlikely that my mom would play a prank on me even if it was April Fool's Day. Even HL was dubious, so immediately I called my sister and she told me seriously that it was true and not a `joke'!

As it was such a shocking news - and one that was newsworthy even for the English press, I ended up writing a series of news stories and articles for the paper I was working with then.. Basically I got the latest news/gossips related to his death from HK and translated some of them. I even covered a memorial for Leslie in Mid Valley, but felt I was a participant too..

The irony was, I wasn't even a Leslie's fan, even though I admired his talent and also enjoyed his music and movie. Since our teens, my sis was officially his fan while my idol had always been Alan Tam (and apparently we even fought over our idols!) But now that my sister is married with kids, she was definitely much less fervent towards her `idol'.. she didn't attend any of his memorials or events even though she's in HK.

Even though I wasn't a fan, Leslie's death somehow still shook me in a way, especially since I was covering all the aftermaths and news related to the tragedy. It made me realise how fragile life was and how depression could be fateful even though you may have everything in the world. But on the other hand, the dramatic way to which he chose to end his life has reinforced his legendary status.. people would always remember Leslie Cheung. Just think of names like James Dean or Marilyn Monroe, who died young and at the peak of their careers. They remain the immortal stars in the hearts of their fans.

Truly Leslie was a rare talent.. how many Chinese artiste could you name who is successful in both singing and acting careers? Leslie, who started off singing had attained stardom in the movie world with sterling role such as the startlet in `Farewell My Concubine'. Singing wise, he continued to reinvent himself. His latter years' concerts saw him as a pioneer who daringly wore long wig, skirts and high-heels and pushing the boundary of sexuality.

Cliche though it may sound but there won't be another person who would come close to what Leslie Cheung has achieved.

Since today is the 5th anniversary of Leslie's death, I thought I would just blog a bit on it as a tribute to one of the brightest, most talented artistes on this side of the world..

My good old diaries...

I was browsing some friends' blogs.. and read in this post that the blogger has kept four diaries since she was 16 (she is still very young) This suddenly reminds me of my own diary-keeping tradition.. which is now sadly non-existent!

I started my very first diary at the age of 8. My mom brought back a very pretty book that has pictures of cute blond kids on each page. She gave it to me and asked me to record the things I did. It was written in Chinese because I went to Chinese Primary School but it was basically a record of things I did in a day... including what I ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner! But it last for a couple of years only.

And then at standard 6, I was given a second diary - a green cover one with the title `Youth Diary' - but I only really started wrting when I was about 13 and on the verge of entering teenage years.. Then I was penning not just on what I did but more on affairs of the heart - rant on how I felt about certain things.. I only wrote when there were things I wanted to write about and yes, my diary was like a closest friend who knew all my darkest sercrets..

This second diary covered a span of six years - saw me through all the joy, tears and angst of a youn girl - right till I completed form five in a boarding school in Singapore.

When I was stuying A Levels back in KL, I began my third diary which has a less childish design. It has purple cover and is called `High Frontier'. It chornicled my life from college to second year of university. Among the entries I wrote was the time I accepted Jesus into my life..and my baptism a year later.. all the while I was still writing in Chinese (believe it or not!?)

My fourth diary was a Monet diary - with `Waterlily' on the cover. I think I bought it from the National Art Gallery in London. It covered four-and-a-half year of some highlights of my life - from graduation to my first job back in Malaysia, as well as the ups-and-down of my bittersweet first relationship..

Then the next diary, which saw me writing increasingly in English, also lasted another four-and-a-half year. The last entry was written on my 30th birthday (yes i know by writing post i'll more or less give my age away but it's ok..) Amidst happenings at work and elsewhere was also heartbreak that came with another relationship.. At the same time, I also started a `spiritual journal' of which was like a prayer and conversation with God..

My sixth and last diary was a gift from my sis from England that featured a beautiful purple flower on the cover. It is unfinished. The last entry was dated December 31, 2004.

Since the turn of the millenium, the frequency of me writing in my diary had really dwindled.. so has my passion in keeping the journal. There were just three or four entires in 2002-2003; and only two in 2004.

And guess what? in May 2005, I started this blog and had been blogging regularly since.. taking up much more time than I did when I was writing diary spontaneously..

It's kinda strange ain't it?

Well you can call a blog an online-diary of sort but it is a `diary' that is organised and sanitised.. I can't express my deepest and truest emotions or rant nonesensically because I have `audience'! Whereas with a `hardcopy' diary, I know it is a place safe for me to pour out all my feelings deep down and only God and myself would know..

But yet, I am more inclined to blog than to write diaries anymore! Am I becoming mechanical and detached from my own feelings?

Another thing that strikes me as is that I can no longer `write' competently.. I type. Yep, I am so reliant on the computer that I find it hard to write an article with pen and paper..

It's sad in a way what technology has done to me.. and maybe to you as well.



But, my five diaries (plus the very first one that I have kept somewhere else) are still my very treasured posessions. I can from time to time read back something that happened 20 years ago in nostalgia..

Also, they're permanent. I'm not sure whether Blogger is...