I have been blogging for five years now.. and I sigh at the pathetic state of this blog in its current form..
Looking back to the beginning, when I started this blog out of impulse and dedicated it to my two pooches - hence the name `Jess' two Js'.. I blogged enthusiastically and tirelessly, for the first couple of months, everything about my two dogs - including half-baked doggerel.
Then, as I ran out of things to talk about my dogs, it became my own blog - a `lifestyle' blog as it is known.. I blogged very frequently - at least twice or more a week, on everything mildly interesting that happened in my life - thoughts, events, food, travels etc.. and I took great pride in my blog.. as it has more or less chronicled all the worth-while memories that I would like to remember..
I don't know since when I have lost steam.. I even considered a couple of times in the last two years, taking a hiatus, or even stopping to blog altogether.. But of course I didn't give up. And at least there would be a couple of entries in a month or so.. But i must admit sometimes I kinda `forced' myself to come out with something to write, just for the sake of `updating' my blog!
I had wanted to do a `commemorative post' of sort to mark the 5th anniversary of blogging - which actually fell in the beginning of this month. But I forgot.. and many personal things had kept me occupied so much that the only blog post this month was something quite heart-felt.
Anyway, whey am I writing this post? I don't know.. in a way, as a freelance writer whose job is quite unstable, I really begin to feel that I have lost my flair for writing. For about half the work I do is monotonous, non-creative type of writing. And on the other hand, I have neglected this blog, which could serve as a platform for a more free flow type of writing. Sigh.. I am seriously beginning to doubt myself as a writer. Can i really write??!
Ok, self-pity aside, and since I'm an optimist, I can foresee there will be some topics worth blogging about. Actually I started a blog post last Thursday morning, when I was flabbergasted with American Idol's finale result! I was rooting for Crystal Bowersox - who undoubtedly was the most outstanding contestant for the insipid Season 9. And she performed very well on the finale performance show.. but again, almost repeating last year's shocking result, she lost to a guy who is pretty good, maybe more marketable, but definitely less brilliant than she was. And not mentioning bordering a boring personality. Here were the few lines I began with but had lost the steam to complete it...
I was holding my breath when Ryan Seacrest was about to announce the winner of American Idol this morning..
And I couldn't believe my ears!! Although deep in my heart I already had this hunch.. Again, for the 2nd year in a row, the clearly better contestant was robbed of the crowned!!
Ok, this was by far the most bored Idol seasons in years.. but amidst it, Crystal Bowersox was a sparkling star and had been consistently good with her choice of songs and her crystal clear, powerful vocals...
June is around the corner! And what's a bigger thing than the once-in-four-year Fifa World Cup? Yup, I am a World Cup fan although I don't watch much of other footballs including the Premier League. But since 1986 when the amazing Maradona led Argentina to win the Cup, I was hooked.. And had been following diligently the game of one-month every four years.. So ya, guess that would be something that I would blog about!
I guess the irony that although there may be things I would like to write about, I know there will be audience and sometimes I self-censor, especially something quite personal like relationships..
So, in the meantime, I guess I would not even call myself a blogger anymore.. unless I am once again inspired to really keep this blog as a close friend, whom I would like share my life and happenings and everything else that matter to me..
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
IT has been a long, tiring week... beginning with a storm early last Friday evening that culminated into a painful decision that appeared to be mutual.. and following that, hours and days ahead that were gradually transforming.. from almost hopeless to glimpses of hope..
But amidst this, God has been so good and faithful.. and He was definitely in control, guiding and leading us, in the heartaches, confusions and uncertainties we went through. And finally, when we knew that the feelings we had had never ceased, He showed us the rainbows..
Sometimes, we won't know what we had was precious till we (almost) lost it. And then when we thought we had lost it, we then realised how much it meant to us. And that if we take a step back and just think and look at the situation from a bigger picture, we then found out what we thought was `dead-ends' were just some knots that could be ironed out..
We had almost given up. But in my heart, it was more about `letting go' and letting God.. I knew it would be hard.. in fact, I cried myself to sleep for a few nights.. Memories came flooding back - of how it all began, the good times and how we talked hours and tried so hard to work through tough moments.. how we dreamt of a future together.. and while many good things that yet to come.. it was so sad that it had to end so soon..
But deep in my heart, and I know in his too, that we still loved and cared for each other... but the conflicts, the expectations and some issues surrounding our relationship seemed too overwhelming, too painful and tiring for us to cope. And then I also thought perhaps it was because we had entered the relationship too soon.. that we didn't know each other well enough.
I was grateful that we could still be friends. And I realise that even IF we were not a couple, we can be the best of friends.. we do share lots in common. In fact, the `friendship' that we were sharing in the past week, inadvertently became even stronger.. It's kinda strange, we actually communicated daily, either on chat, sms or phone..It was like we have never been apart.
Initially, he had said he believed we won't get back together... But on my own, I have prayed and somehow I knew somehow God is not finished with us.. So I just asked that he would leave things open and let God lead.. and he did not persist his original thought. And then, day by day as we spoke on the phone, I sensed the changes in his heart. Two nights ago, he told me it's not a question of `if' but `when' we would be together again... That was the first time I didn't shed tears when I went to bed.
And last night when we met up, it happened.. Just like we had the mutual decision at the same time last week to part, this time, we could no longer holdback our feelings for each other. Especially when we spoke of how some friends are having such huge issues and challenges in their relationship, and we could not even really pinpoint what big problems we had. Yes, of course we had our shares of fights and unhappiness (which couple doesn't) but surely they weren't something that we could not overcome, especially when we know how much we do love each other and how much we treasure the relationship.
We didn't talk much.. but there's a mutual understanding the comfort of holding each other.. Making up is always sweet.
While driving home, I was overwhelmed by emotions and cried.. I cried because I was so thankful to God for His goodness and faithfulness.. and that after the week of heartache and sadness, thinking that we have lost each other, he brought us back together.
Thank you God, for your rainbows after the storm... we would commit our relationship afresh unto You.