Sunday, September 24, 2006

of dad and me

I seldom post personal thoughts and feelings.. (so pls skip it if u don't want to be bored..)

It's not easy being the only unmarried child living with your parents. My only sister is married and living in Hong Kong for 11 years now.

It is a privilege at times, but a burden at others.. I don't dare to say i'm the most filial child around, especially for a traditional Chinese family. And to be fair, my parents do give me lots of freedom and independence.. The thing is, I feel I can't live up to their expectations at times, especially my dad - the perfectionist and over-critical person as he is (which he admits it too).

You see, we always show our truest colours at home. Well, I do especially we are a close-knit family. My relationship with my parents has always been close and intimate. I would talk to them about almost everything - from my work woes to even relationship related things (which I hardly need to talk about these days) But at the same time, I seem to be inadvertantly getting on their nerves from time to time.. be it personal bad habit like sleeping too late (irritates mom), not keeping my room neat enough (irritates dad) to the way I talk and react!

Yeah.. that's the thing. I'm quite an impulsive person but nature and sometimes I don't really rein my tongue. But I feel quite sad that dad keeps picking on the way (and not the content) that I speak.

For instance, there is something that I want to tell him. And maybe I get a little `kancheong' (excited) and speak a bit fast.. then he would just cut me off, with a frowning, disapproving expression and criticise me for speaking fast. It seems like a small matter but he has done it time after time. I had tried to be a bit more careful with him.. but still, it happened because that's the way I normally talk!!

Granted, at times, I do deserve to be reminded or even reprimanded for some of my loud and emotional remarks. But even at times when I'm perfectly calm but just speak too fast and a bit louder than his liking, I get criticised.

So today over lunch, the same thing happened. And for once instead of questioning back, I just kept quiet and didn't even finish the `story'. But then he was not happy also, thinking that I was angry and went on with his lecture.. though not too fierce. And when I responded, he actually digged up incidents in the past to illustrate how `unrefined' I am with my speech and attitude.. (sigh) But we had already `sorted out' those issues in the past. He still wanted to prove that he has every right to correct me though this time I didn't do anything like that.

Yes, inside I was quite upset.. but no use trying even to explain my side of the story, he gets more annoyed.

After all, he is the father and I am the child.

Anyway.. I'm glad no fights and quarrels ensued. He even talked to me about other stuff but somehow inside, I am more apprehended. Yes, I love my parents, I love my dad. But I just don't know how to be the perfect child that he longs for me to be. I know I need to improve in some areas, and what he says has a point. At the same time, I hope he will be a bit less critical and learn to accept both the good and weak points of people.. I will try to change and improve, with God's help, but it doesn't help when I get splashed with cold water on the head (a chinese saying) everytime for `wrongs' big AND small, or even when there is hardly no wrong done.

In fact, the incident just now prompted mom, who is also quite critical of me in many things, to tell dad that he's being too harsh..

But with mom, I also have a fair share of, though not as serious, problems. Thank goodness mom is more forgiving and `forgetful'. In that we will make up fast and she lets bygones be bygones and does not bring out incidents that had happened and settled years ago.

Honestly, I'm a bit afraid to be staying at home with dad all the time. (now that he's no longer working in China) For it's not just he and me, but also he and mom. Because of their individual characters, he gets angry at mom often too..

I think the only way is to be more `cautious' from now on, especially with the way I speak to him.. it's sad that i always can't live up to his standard, not that I don't want to.. and not trying to give myself excuses... for we are all `work in progress'.

My Father in Heaven knows that and I pray my dad will see that too..


lainey said...

don't worry tan - i am sure he sees ... and i can see that he is very proud of you and loves you alot.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is, don't get upset. I know it's hard. But this is what dad is like. You just have to accept it, and ignore him. If he is being critical and unreasonable, just let him be and treat him "fa ngap fung".


jesscet said...

lainey: thanks :) yeah i know that. but because we are so close, it can be even more hurtful? if u know what i mean..

Chin: yep, i come to realise it already and i agree with what u say. just that, at the instance it's upsetting. on Sun nite, he did it again (which was even more unreasonable) but he later softened cos i think he know he was too harsh.. i can't change his mind and character so i guess i just have to be more `careful' and just be quieter..