Perhaps it's to do with work and income - or the lack of it; a small part to do with the end of a relationship; and as a result the roaming of the mind thinking of unfulfilled dreams and aspirations - career, personal, spiritual... and then wondering as we're in the eighth month of 2010 and where my future lies..
I feel kinda lost sometimes.. :(
Yes, I know I am blessed. I don't have to worry about many things. I get to enjoy life as many see it - to pursue my interests, to have freedom to relax while many slog at work, and also hold a `job' that I love.. On top of that, I have God, a loving family, many friends.. so what else do I lack?
Well, blame my personality.... While I know and I'm independent, capable, confident in carrying out whatever I believe I could do, another part of me that I somehow feel I lack control of - I lack motivation, drive, discipline and worst of all self-control... to certain extent.
Ok, so last year I achieved something I am proud of - that that took lots of motivation, drive, discipline and self-control. I managed to lose significant amount of weight and `revamp' my appearance so to speak. But now I'm wondering why I can't translate that to other facets of my life - ie. my career, my ministries in God's kingdom, and general self-improvement which I am so far behind..
By self improvement, I mean things like reading to enhance my knowledge - articles and columns, news, books (i mean even frivolous books I hardly bother to read) but rather, I have been `wasting' too much time on things like Facebook (but thankfully I cut off the games addiction), watching HK series and God knows what else.. And what about the daily devotion time - reading the Bible, praying and meditating, which I so desired to do? Then there's exercise.. I regret to say since CNY, my fitness regime has totally gone down the drain..
It's not like I have been idle either. Just that for about 3-4 months this year, I have channeled my energy/time to something that unfortunately did not work-out.. to put it simply. I guess it's part and parcel of life experience and I'm still gradually picking up the pieces in a way, though life goes on as normal...
And now, after the `extended holiday' of family reunion etc.. and all is back to track, I'm faced with certain dilemmas. Firstly, work wise, what I thought was looking positive one to two months back unfortunately saw changes and I'm losing a current regular contribution as well as a couple of promising prospects. Other works are at best quarterly contribution and others adhoc. It makes me think.. could this be a `sign' that I might want to rethink of my career path? The thing is, I still love writing. In fact, the journalist in me would keep in view of interesting people/places I go.. It's nothing more satisfying to see your writing in print. But these days, I am not doing so much of `original' writing but many compiling, interviews that do not really test my writing skills (so maybe it's good to blog more regularly just to hone the skills.)
What about back to full-time work? I've been asked and my answer is still the same. Unless there's a job that offers equally great challenges, work satisfaction and remuneration, then I would consider.. So far, I have yet to find one and to be honest, it's hard for me to leave the freelancing lifestyle and freedom! If so, I have push myself more and also trust God to provide me with more work as a freelancer.
Spiritually, I know I have been quite `dry' in my walk but all the while from the people and places I go, I'm reminded again and again of His faithfulness. So I guess I should consciously live and commit myself and my life to the Lord daily and I believe He would guide. There is a nagging voice that still prompts me now and again to heed His calling and less of my own selfish desires..
Which brings me to this personal dream that I have been harbouring for some two years now. It's always been my dream to go to Italy, ever since a short visit after graduation. I love the country and felt so at home even though I didn't speak a word of Italian then.. Because of my vocal training, I started singing Italian arias.. Then the passion rekindled and I took up Italian lesson beginning of last year, which I enjoyed a lot. With the influence and encouragement of my first teacher, I really wanted to go to Italy - not just for a short vacation but to stay there for at least 2 months or so to study singing and language. Of course, the main factor would be financial. It's not easy to get sponsorship due to my age :( and that means I need to fork out quite a huge sum. But now that I have some contacts with my three Italian teachers who could help me in certain ways, it's a `dream' that can come true.. and in fact, I'm seriously considering and planning to go there in September 2011.
I'm praying for God's blessings in this plan of mine too...
So in the mean time, I know need more motivation, drive, discipline and self-control... to do what I should do.. no use feeling `sorry' for the inadequacy..
And I know, I am not lost really. And even if I'm at a crossroad - I should be reminded that His Cross would lead me onwards..